Quitting Smoking = end of any bathing suit season

Both Doug and I quit smoking 2 ½ years ago. Yeah, that was WAY fun.

What was even more fun was the amount of weight I gained. Who knew that going to Boston Pizza three times a week (which was our reward for quitting smoking) would make you gain weight.??? We always had salad (well, along with the pasta/pizza/bread - oh and by the way? you'd be surprised at how many grams of fat there are in salads at ALL my favourite restaurants - but that's another story).

Anyways, there it is. And it still is. I once got weighed about a year after I quit and was so amused to find that I weighed as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with any of my kids. Now? Not so much. Because IT'S STILL THERE. So this is what being pregnant forever feels like. Sharon even called me a “chunky monkey”, although I’m sure it was meant in the nicest possible way…

Anyways, Oprah said that if there ever was a picture of her in a bathing suit it would be a hoax, because she NEVER wears one.

Yeah, so if not wearing a bathing suit is good enough for Oprah, it’s good enough for me.

Fly the Friendly Skies of United (Final episode)

So, the trip went off without a hitch and we had a wonderful time in Hawaii.

Once we got back I wrote a letter to the President of UAL Corporation, which is the parent company of United Airlines. I also copied the Vice President – Customer Experience (I also told her that she had her work cut out for her if the thousands of complaints on the internet were any indication of what the average “Customer Experience” was like). My letter was basically asking them to verify that in fact, it wasn’t against the law to change the name and that they would direct their employees to NOT tell people that. I also wrote a letter to the CSR’s Supervisor telling her that she had all her information wrong.

Two weeks later I received a response from somebody in “Customer Relation” indicating that the President had passed my letter to them and they “appreciate the opportunity to respond”.

Keeping in mind that I asked them to verify that it wasn’t against the law to change the name, this is what I got – word for word:

Ms. Cates, as soon as you buy a ticket, your fare is guaranteed and protected from increases. If you change the itinerary, the fare may change too. The fare in effect at the time of your itinerary change will determine the fare for your revised itinerary. Most airlines, including United, do not have waivers protecting the original fare when customers must make last-minute changes. I hope this information is helpful when making future reservations. As a gesture of goodwill I am enclosing a travel certificate for a future use with United. Please continue to fly with United.

??????? Ok what part of my letter was actually read? And please, I don’t want a $150 travel voucher because I never plan on traveling with you people ever again. So, I fired off another letter to the President, mildly scolding him for passing off my letter to an underling and reassuring him that I was still awaiting a reply to my original question. I also enclosed the travel voucher explaining that I would not be using it. That letter was dated December 10^th, 2007.

I received another reply from the same Customer Relations person dated December 20, 2007. This is what it said – word for word:

Thank you for writing to us mentioning that you didn’t receive the travel certificate issued to you. I am responding to your letter addressed to Mr. Tilton.

Ms. Cates, so I may help you receive a replacement travel certificate, please sign below to verify the original certificate(s) is not in your possession. Then return this letter to my attention. Thank you for giving us an opportunity to respond to your concerns. We look forward to serving you again.

WHAAAT???? Now I feel like I’m being punk’d. Where are the hidden cameras waiting to record my reaction???? Who is this person writing this stuff – it has to be a robot. I don’t even know what to say or how to reply. And by NOT replying I received yet another letter – this time dated December 25^th. Yep, Christmas Day – such dedication…But this time it has a different tone than the other obvious form letters. This is what it said – again, WORD FOR WORD with spelling as it appeared in the letter:

Thank you for writing to us again (well, except that I didn’t). I am responding to your letter addressed to Mr. Tilton.

Ms. Cates, I sincerely regret that you remain unhappy with my response. Let me inform you about the name change policy. Once a reservation is completed, we do not allow a name change. As mentioned, you were informed by on the phone agents that name change is not allowed in the reservation according to law. In case a passenger insists the name change, the reservation is cancelled first and $100 in charged for it. A new reservation is prepared again for the passenger.

Hmm, I wonder if they do random drug testing at United Airlines.

I am not surprised when just a little while later I receive yet another letter, dated January 7, 2008 which is the exact same one that I received dated December 25. Only this time it contains another travel voucher (obviously to replace the one that was lost…oh wait, that’s right I GAVE it back to them).

And this is where it sits. I don’t have an answer to my question, I have a $150 travel voucher that I will never use, United Airlines has a real problem with customer relations, and nobody understands English there.

I will swim to Hawaii before I will ever fly with United.

Fly the Friendly Skies of United (Part 2)

I am so choked with United Airlines at this point. I talked to other airlines – some will change a name for free, some will charge a small fee and some would require proper documentation (i.e. marriage certificate). All reasonable requirements. But what SOOO annoyed me was the reference to 9/11. They were lying to their customers. It was obviously a company policy – not some Homeland Security law that was passed by the United States Congress (I think that’s who passes laws in the US – I will have to look that up). Can’t you just see all those congressmen debating this new law???

Yes, that is definitely the best way to keep our home shores safe – DO NOT LET boneheaded people who make stupid on-line mistakes change the name on their airline reservation. Here, here! Those infidels! This is an important historic moment!! Rah, Rah, Rah.

Anyways, like I said before – I used to work at the airport so I called the head guy for United Airlines in Vancouver and told him my dilemma and by the next day my name was changed and it didn’t cost me a cent. He was pretty sure that the US Government would rather have the real names of passengers instead of fake ones.

So, take that, CSR’s Supervisor. I so wanted to call her back and say “Nah, nah, na, nah, nah” and yes, I know that’s childish, but I didn’t. Not because I was adult enough not to act childish – I just didn’t want them to mess up my reservation. So I left that for after my trip was finished.

Part III to come….

Fly the Friendly Skies of United (Part 1)

About a year ago Doug booked airfare to Hawaii online, for the two of us. The cheapest flight was through United Airlines. So far, so good. Oh, except for the fact that he booked it on a site that we don’t normally use and when our names came up in a dropdown box, he selected our names and completed the reservation. Only I guess it must have been a dozen years ago when he last booked on there because that particular site had my “other before being married to Doug” name. He didn’t notice it right away but when he did he called the online booking people who told him this:

“You will have to call United directly because we can’t make a name change”

Ok – no biggie. He called United and they told him:

“You will have to deal with the online booking people directly because we can’t make a name change”

Ok – this is becoming a bit of a pain. He called the online booking people back and they told him:

“If United won’t make the name change then you will have to cancel the existing reservation and we will issue a credit in that person’s name and you can rebook under the correct name”.

Ok – just one small problem – there is no person of that name anymore and so the credit is no good for anyone and the cost of the new reservation was going to be more than 3 times the original – even though it’s for the same person travelling at the exact same time.

So I told Doug, “let me call United directly, I should be able to get them to change my name to the correct one”. So I called United Airlines Customer Service 1-800-wanna-fly number and spoke to a “Customer Service Representative”. I told her that I needed to change the name on my ticket because it was my maiden name and all my ID was in my married name. She told me:

“I’m sorry, I can’t change your name because it’s against the law”.

What?????

“Ever since 9/11 it’s been against the law to change the name on a reservation”.

What????? I worked at the airport during 9/11 and know of no such law that came into effect regarding changing of names. In fact, I was pretty sure that the US Government would rather have proper names on the passenger lists as opposed to names that don’t exist legally.

Ok – no biggie – she’s obviously not empowered to change the name. I asked to speak to her supervisor and this is how that went:

CSR’s Supervisor: Yes, may I help you?

Me: I need to change the name on my reservation from my maiden name to my married name as all my ID is in my married name.

CSR’s Supervisor: We cannot change the name because it’s against the law.

Me: What law? It’s not against the law -

CSR’s Supervisor: It IS against the law – are you calling me a liar??

Me: Other Airlines do it -

CSR’s Supervisor: Well, they’re breaking the law – United Airlines does not break the law.

Well, this is going nowhere fast. Obviously she is not empowered to change the name either. So I ask to speak to her supervisor.

CSR's Supervisor: I don't have a supervisor

No kidding – because you have one big attitude problem and it’s starting to piss me off.

Me: Well, who do you report to???

CSR’s Supervisor: I don’t report to anyone.

Oh, ok. Although I’m pretty sure that you do.

Me: So there is no one in the entire United Airlines hierarchy that can change my name.

CSR’s Supervisor: No, it’s against the law and we don’t break the law. We don't know if it's really you. It’s not our fault that you were stupid enough to book it under the wrong name.

Oh, please you’ve just made my day. Like you do DNA matches with all those online bookings.

Me: (very sarcastically) Thank you SOOO much for all your help

And this is what she actually said:

CSR’s Supervisor: You’re welcome. Thank you for flying United Airlines.

What???? Yeah, I am so going to fly United and I am so going to get that name changed and it’s not going to cost me one cent more.

Part II coming up.

Sly's the Word

My best friend Sly came to visit me. She lives in Prince George, which is where I used to live before I moved to North Vancouver (into the house that I had never seen – only Doug had seen it when we bought it, which still is another story).

We’ve been friends for 28 years and pretty much know everything there is to know about each other – which is why we must remain best friends. That and the fact that we are the two funniest people we know. Just ask Doug (er, maybe not).

Sly has the quirkiest sense of humor of anyone that I know. She has this deep belief that we all should be stuffed when we die – we could be shaped into chairs and our hands used for ashtrays (back in the day when we smoked). That always kinda creeped me out - like what if 50 years down the road at Christmas dinner the grandkids are telling their kids - "You have to sit on Grandma, there are no other chairs" "But I don't want to sit on Grandma, she's gross" And then some big snarky guy sits on me and uses my hands to put out his cigar - blecck!!! But you know, a couple of bottles of wine and we’re on a roll. We’ve solved most of the world’s problems, created a gazillion of extremely useful inventions (like an aerobics tape for Biafrans – don’t ask), you know, generally being quite bright and cute (at least in our minds).

She’s watched my kids grow up and when they were in their teens, she became a mom herself (this after trying to convince her doctor at age 22 to tie her tubes – and telling anyone that if she ever felt maternal she would come over to my house and that would take care of it). Oh, and when she became a mom?? She couldn’t figure out why everyone wasn’t a mom and she was going to have 10 kids (riiight, Angelina) because it was the best thing ever. Then she had her second and came right back down to earth from whatever happy planet she had been on.

We still have a lot of fun. And when she comes to visit – Doug gets out his earplugs. We’re just way too much fun for him.

Time to Say Good-bye

There are two of us and we have three vehicles (Doug also has a 1967 Camaro) – all of which are unable to accommodate more than 2 people comfortably at a time. Which isn’t a problem when it’s the two of us but becomes somewhat problematic if we have say, the grandchildren to ferry around or groceries to buy and it’s raining outside.

So after MUCH consideration and discussion it was agreed – I would trade my Miata in for something a little more practical and a lot safer. (my granddaughter Jenna is heartbroken – “but grandma, I LOOOVE your zoom-zoom car”). We would keep the truck until it drove itself into the ground because Doug still loooves his truck.

Oooh, it’s so pretty and new and it does everything. I got a cross-over SUV (why do they call them cross-over – like they went over to the other side???)

All I have to do is get in and turn a key. It does everything else, including turning on the windshield wipers when it starts to rain. There are 15 airbags - I'm pretty sure they will smother me if I ever get in an accident - but at least I won't be all bloody, which makes me faint. It also came with a navigation system and a backup camera.

I got the vehicle home and, of course, Doug went out and played with the navigation system, downloaded some music, input some GPS way points, connected the phone to the bluetooth system and then realized “hey, this is waaaaay better than my truck”…..

It’s only a matter of time….

It was Fun and it was Flirty

I used to drive a Miata. It was a fun car to drive and it looked awesome. But you know, just not too practical. Like, if I had to pick anyone up from the airport their luggage couldn’t be bigger than a postage stamp. And if I parked in an empty part of the parking lot, I could lay down a huge bet that when I returned, oversized vehicles on steroids would be parked on either side of me even though there was a whole other acre they could have parked in. And big trucks driving beside me afforded me a view of their Miata sized tires and scared the bejeesus out of me. And the time that Sharon and I went shopping at Ikea in the winter and when we came out realized that we had forgot that we brought my Miata and Sharon was very pregnant AND had bought a lot of stuff and it was SO cold and we had to put the top down so that everything (including the baby) would fit. And it’s NOT a good idea to smoke with the top down – not that I smoke anymore….

Doug drives a Toyota truck. It’s getting on in age but still runs and the rust spots aren’t too bad yet. Doug babies his vehicles. Just ask his kids, my kids, his nieces and nephews – they grew up knowing “Don’t TOUCH the paint!!!! – don’t eat anything inside!!!! – don’t breath!!!!! (ok so I exaggerate – actually just a little)”. Suffice to say that we would have been better off parking the truck at home and walking to where we were going because most of the time it went like this:

Me: there’s a parking spot

Doug: hmm

Me: what’s wrong with that spot?

Doug: I don’t like it

Me: but it’s close

Doug: I don’t like the car I have to park beside

Me: ?????

Then he would drive for a little while longer and with great satisfaction say “here’s a great spot” and I’d say “but this is Burnaby and the mall is in North Vancouver”.

Ah, Spring!

Yes, spring is just around the corner. A time of renewal, of hope springing eternal, blah, blah, blah. What it really means is that all the neighbours have been out doing gardening and clean up and I’ve been sitting in the house wondering why on earth Sharon (my landscaping friend) had to move away.

When we moved into our house (actually it’s a townhouse, so technically I don’t have to do any gardening, riiight?) the previous owner had been an amazing gardener. The back area was landscaped with lots of pretty plants that grew so well in the rain forest that we live in called North Vancouver. But after about 10 years it started to look a little, shall we say, overgrown. It was also wet and mildewy looking with spiders and bugs and we never went out there, ever. We mostly kept the drapes closed so that we didn’t have to look out.

Back Garden Before

We also inherited a bunch of potted shrubs and a hibiscus tree in a pot on our front deck. It didn’t take me long to apply the black thumb of gardening to them as well.

Then Sharon came to my rescue. And Sharon comes, not just herself but, with her mom (who is a Master Gardener) and her dad, (who is a carpenter). Perrrfect!

It’s a Miracle. The back becomes an oasis from the heat, with a new wooden deck placed over the old patio pavers that were all slimy and gross, a totally revamped back garden with water feature and lighting and a front deck that is right out of a magazine! I love it!

Back Garden After

Front Deck After

But then she moves. Sharon leaves. And the rains come. And the plants grow. Bigger. And then the heat comes and the plants die. And turn brown.

I miss Sharon. I hate spring.

If you quit doing things that I find humorous, then I'll quit writing about them

Doug just told me he wants me to quit talking about him on my blog.

I've got 20 years worth of stuff - like that's going to happen!

It's a Piece of Cake

We have been renovating our house for the past several years (I never saw it before we bought it, only Doug did (and I had to rely on his memory about every room) – yes, I know it’s totally weird, but that’s another story).

It’s taken quite some time but we finally get to the second to last of the major projects – the bathrooms. Now, I had the vision in my mind for the powder room and in various discussions between Doug and me he decides to rip out our ensuite. Keeping in mind, of course, that I had a vision for the powder room.

But, in order to keep projects moving forward (because sometimes you can just talk things out to death), I quickly shifted gears and created a vision for the ensuite. I purchased all of the tile, plumbing fixtures, lighting, pretty much everything but the cabinetry. Everything is delivered, we’re all set to go. The demolition is easy. There’s some work that needs done with the plumbing. We go to the plumbing store. We get all the bits and pieces and stuff.

And then I wait. It is June 2005. July. August. “Should I hire a plumber?” I ask. “Oh, no. I just need some time to devote to it – it’s a piece of cake”, I am assured.

The tile that is piled in the foyer makes an excellent Santa sleigh when it is covered with red fabric at Christmas. By the time spring arrives everyone assumes that the tile piled up in the foyer is actually a sculpture that I created.

By the time summer 2006 rolls around, we’ve had a couple of very short conversations that ended with me brokering a deal (ok, having a temper tantrum) to hire someone to do ALL the bathrooms. Clearly, we are not cut out for these major rip-them-out-do-it-yourself projects.

And Habitat for Humanity? They were the real winners. Because of course, once I got to the bathroom showroom, I totally shifted gears for the ensuite and everything I had bought a year earlier was, well, sooo last year…

Our next project? Inserting a flat panel TV into the wall of our bedroom and relocating the ceiling fan. Sounds like a piece of cake, right?

It's All Black and White

I love black and white. If I could, my entire house would be that. With touches of silver. There is even a women’s clothing store with nothing but black and white clothing (www.whitehouseblackmarket.com). I love it.

My love affair with all things black and white started with an outdated powder room and a black and white picture of Marilyn Monroe and a vision (although the vision was delayed by, oh, a couple of years while Doug and I debated the fate of all three bathrooms in our house that all needed updating and maybe, Doug says, we can do it ourselves – now there’s a brilliant idea and a whole other story).

But by December 2006, my powder room vision was complete. It’s so pretty. But it’s the only black and white (with silver) theme going on in our house because Doug refuses to vote yes to new furniture and our current furniture won’t work.

So I did the next best thing. I created a black and white (with silver) Christmas. With matching gift wrap. Everybody hated it. But me.

But I will carry on. My new laptop looks like a baby grand piano. I guess I am going to have to change my office to go with it….